All people bear in mind the quote, “Those who could not keep in mind the past are condemned to repeat it” by George Santayana, Life of Factor, Factor in Common Sense, 1905.
I wishes to recommend that the meaning of this quote is not apparent. There are certainly lots of individuals that won’t allow go of the past.
These individuals are stressed, focussing exclusively on regret, disappointment, and heartache. Their minds transform backward, and also rehash old information– and there they rest, stuck in the mess.
One client’s partnership finished after 3 years. All she speaks about is her pain over the failing of the relationship. She endlessly keeps in mind just how terrific he was, then all the negative things that happened– especially just how terribly she acted.
She says she doesn’t desire to repeat the pain, so she quits dating as well as has rendezvous, and afterwards really feels guilty. After that she states she does want a relationship, but remains to get men who have commitment concerns, who leave the next day, or week, or month. And also she believes she’s being used.
So, she used up knitting. She sighs, a great deal. Complains bitterly. Repeats, “I presume I’m simply embeded my ways.” The strange part is there’s a large component of her that gets off on being a martyr.
Stop playing the martyr
All of us do the important things we do since we derive enjoyment from them. This begins to clarify why individuals live in the past, or far better placed, stay in their minds, reworking their stories of the past. They obtain enjoyment from their self-created pain.
Indeed, a lot of my customers are addicted to their pain.
It’s as though they were taking medicines– they maintain doing the exact same damaging stuff, over and also over. All that changes is the intensity of the misery-story they tell. “It was the worst, he was the cruelest, I was stupid …” and also on and also on.
Before I unbox the above quote, allow me remind you: absolutely nothing regarding the stories you inform yourself concerning your past are true.
I understand. You ‘d suggest with me. “Obviously my tales are real! I existed! I saw/heard/felt precisely just what I was describing!” Well, not so.
If you have a brother or sister, ask them to bear in mind a ‘big’ event. Notice exactly what takes place when you compare stories.
Example: One client remembered playing with his sis and sibling when he was 8 years old. They set a fire on the driveway, and assuming it was leaving control, my client splashed it with exactly what he believed was water. It was kerosene. His sister got burnt.
Here’s the interesting part: 50 years later, the three of them are speaking about the occasion– and also each of them thought they had begun the fire as well as put the kerosene! Consider it. This was a big, terrible event, as well as for HALF A CENTURY, there was no agreement– each of them wallowed in the pain and guilt.
I stated, “Isn’t really that intriguing, each of you condemning yourself?”
He, annoyed, said, “Yeah, but my version is the appropriate one. Just how do I get them at fault me?”
Our stories of the past are not tidy. They are sustained by our assumptions, forecasts, and also personalities. If I think that I am a victim, for instance, my memories will be loaded with pictures backing my idea. So, what good is the past [ as well as exactly what regarding that quote?]
Our memories are just a huge collection of information pieces. We keep in mind in order to pick up from the past. The quote may be much better placed:
” Those who do not gain from the past,
and transform their behavior, are condemned
to repeat it as well as get the exact same results.”
The first client, stated over, wished to spend hours informing me exactly how unfortunate as well as desolate and alone she was. I barged in and also welcomed her to let me understand one thing she did that obtained her lousy results, and one point her ex-spouse did, ditto.
She responded, “When we began to suggest, he ‘d obtain quiet and leave the apartment or condo. Or, I would certainly obtain up and go to the bedroom and snuggle in a round. We wouldn’t speak for a day or more, then compose, yet never ever chat concerning the fight.”
There, in the data, was something she could learn how to do differently.
I urged her to learn how to ‘combat reasonable’ and also to communicate. To practice with her sweethearts, to go out on enjoyable days, for practicing the interaction part.
As we functioned together, if I saw that she was closing down and also not speaking, I ‘d ask her to decide to ‘come out of her room as well as talk to me.’
That allegory benefited her. When she wishes to curl up and closed down, she envisions going out of the bedroom and also talking. And after that she talks.
Nothing in our lives changes unless we alter it, and that includes exactly what we carry out in our heads.
Here are a number of ideas in order to help you to get away from your psychological video games– from sticking to the past.
https://www.yogadivinity.com/playing-martyr-to-your-past
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